The Woodchuck Who Dared Too Much
The long row of young kale had been cleanly
decapitated, most leaves of the giant broccoli
stripped. Curiously the broccoli florets had
not been touched. As if the creature knew the leaves were
more nutritious than the florets. I had fenced the
raised-bed garden high enough for deer and
fine mesh enough for rabbits, but had
not dug the fence in deep enough against
woodchucks. It had to be a woodchuck.
I was outraged at the nerve of it what with the
vast greenery all around the two-acre yard.
In ten years not one chuck had worked its way
to the front yard, never mind into the garden.
This chuck must be especially adventurous to
roam up from the back yard and especially curious to
choose this small fenced area
over all the surrounding flower beds.
To add insult to injury, the chuck had dug the
start of a burrow right in the middle of one raised bed
My examination of the fence perimeter revealed
several gaps at its bottom where the chuck could have
squeezed through. Each day I successively blocked
each gap to make the chuck reveal his favorite. That one
I blocked with a slate that he easily
pushed aside to enter. I had not yet seen him,
but I now knew this groundhog’s fatal weakness.
Chucks are dumb, real dumb such as walking
right into a trap without looking.
I rented a big Hav-a-Hart trap and
placed it inside the garden with its
only entrance right at his favored entry gap.
Experts say use a trap with both
an entrance and an exit, but I had to
settle for a one-entrance trap.
I baited it with remaining leaves
from the kale and left for my office certain
I’d have the culprit when I got home.
Unfortunately, on my way to my car out back I
flushed the chuck from a flower bed.
He gave a whistle and scurried
swiftly to the old stone wall nearby.
A loud whistle like I had heard
the marmots give high up in the Rockies.
This wuchak was a short squat critter with a
shiny brown fur coat. At the safety of the wall, he
sat upright like those you’ve seen at the highway edge
as they chew a mouthful. He looked at me with his
squirrel-like faces. Did I catch a hint of scorn?
I feared I had upset his daily rounds and
would not catch him that day, at least.
When I arrived home later, I could
immediately see the trap had been sprung.
Was it the chuck or just a pesky squirrel?
As I approached, I heard teeth chatter. A growl.
Flattened on the trap floor was the
now-terrified chuck. And I had to
figure out what to do with him.
I preferred to release him, but he would just
raid and raid again. He had already dared too much.
Release him far away? Transport and release was probably
illegal. Then there would be the stench of his
urine in my car. Poison him via the kale?
No, poison was too dangerous to other life.
Let him out so I could bash
his head in with a hoe as he ran?
No, what if he ran fast enough to escape or had
rabies and turned to bite.
I decided decisively on his dispatch.
I retrieved a rebar bar and hammer from the garage
along with my leather gloves.
Through the wire of the trap, I pinned the
base of his skull to the cage floor. He squealed and hissed until
one solid rap of my hammer.
No pain, no twitch, no struggle.
I left his corpse there for a whole day
in case he revived. Then put him out for the
turkey vultures and maggots.
His skeleton would later serve as
a deterrent to other over-reachers.
© Sherman K. Poultney 29 Sept 2005
After “the Fish” of E. Bishop study at Library